Dear Crush...

I think this means you, Brian. It's no secret that I'd totally have you any way you wanted. All you'd really have to do is say the word, and I'd be yours. Hell, we wouldn't have to have a label, and I'd still do anything you want.

People keep telling me not to waste my time on you. That I'm better than you. That I deserve better. But here's the thing, I think you're great. I love that you pretend to be super confident, but underneath it all, I think you're kind of insecure. Superficially, I love your height and size. I get the feeling that I'd be completely protected by you. Sometimes I imagine how we'd be together. I think we'd fit perfectly. It doesn't even bother me that you're a couple years younger than me.

Too bad that I'm not your type. You care too much about outward appearances. I'm not a little, cute girl. I'll never be one of those girls. I have a personality. And I realize that makes me one of those "ugly girls," that has a good personality. But I think you should just give me a try. We could be great. Just think about it for a bit. You know I'm here waiting.

Dear Best Friend...

Dear Best Friend,
A part of me feels like I should write your name, but then another part of me feels like if you ever read this, you'd know I was talking about you. Let me first start off by telling you that I really do love you. We've been friends for a really long time. You know so much about me and I'd like to think that it's the same vice versa. But lately, I've found myself dreading your texts. I never tell you about my problems because you always turn the conversation around to be about you. And you're never short of problems and issues. You're supposed to be the person that I can confide in when things are wrong or bad and I feel like I can't do it. I used to be the selfish one of our relationship and that's changed. How does a friendship work when both people are selfish? That doesn't leave a lot of room for give and take when we both just want to take. That's why I don't respond all the time. I'm tired. Maybe it's payback for me being a shitty friend. I can admit now that I used to take advantage of you, but I don't know if I'm capable of dealing with your crap. I'm sorry.

You've found people to replace me with. You tell me this all the time. But I haven't replaced you. I'm lonely down here. I have no friends that are my own. I don't even have a job anymore. And yet I can't tell you these things. You don't care. So I keep them to myself. I tried to tell my dad yesterday that I think I'm depressed and he told me I wasn't. He didn't listen either. That seems to be a common theme in my life right about now.

The worst thing is that I'll never tell you this. You'll probably never read this either. So I'll just keep on pretending that I'm ok. That I'm fine. That our friendship is fine. But it's not, and I'm not either. But you'll never know.

30 day blog challenge

I found this challenge, and it seems pretty cool. This will be my next 30 days (give or take...)

Set V: A Letter to…
-Your Best Friend
-Your Crush
-Your parents
-Your sibling (or closest relative)
-Your dreams
-A stranger
-Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
-Your favorite internet friend
-Someone you wish you could meet
-Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
-A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
-The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
-Someone you wish could forgive you
-Someone you’ve drifted away from
-The person you miss the most
-Someone that’s not in your state/country
-Someone from your childhood
-The person that you wish you could be
-Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
-The one that broke your heart the hardest
-Someone you judged by their first impression
-Someone you want to give a second chance to
-The last person you kissed
-The person that gave you your favorite memory
-The person you know that is going through the worst of times
-The last person you made a pinky promise to
-The friendliest person you knew for only one day
-Someone that changed your life
-The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
-Your reflection in the mirror

Gotta start somewhere..

I've always thought about starting up a blog and since I recently lost my job, I've got all this time on my hands. I thought this was the perfect time to begin it. I'm not sure what this is going to turn into. I have many interests and ideas. This is also a way for me to get back into writing. I've missed writing quite a bit and this is my chance to get back into it.

I also like to write in a stream of consciousness so it's probably going to jump around a bit.

This rain is killing me right now. Honestly, I love the sounds of a thunderstorm, but just this nasty rain is getting old. Plus dealing with living in a basement that floods get's tiresome. I feel like I've been sucking up water all day, which in reality, I have. Although, I feel like this weather is matching my mood perfectly. For the past week and a half or so, I've been in a funk. Turning 26, is not all it's cracked up to be. I thought it was bad before I lost my job. Being 26 and working and Jimmy Johns. Definitely not what I thought my life would be after college. But now I'm 26 and unemployed. I got fired from Jimmy Johns. For a crap reason too. I'm really trying to put it behind me. Everyone keeps telling me thing's will get better and I want to believe that, but it's just really kind of hard right now. I don't really have much going for me at the moment. I have a car, that I love, but if I don't find work soon, I wont be able to pay for it. I feel like I don't have the support system I used to have. I spent most of my time working with a high school winter drumline and now that the season is over, I'm not sure what to do with myself. I used to be really close with my family, but now I just kind of feel like an outsider when I'm around them. I don't have kids or a relationship. There's nothing I have in common with them anymore. God, I sound like such a whiner right now. Although, that's what I'm really good at.

I think I'll also try to do some different writing prompts with this blog too. We'll see I guess.